One Lost Baby, One Angel Found

One Lost Baby, One Angel Found

Everything happened so fast… from the time I found out about being pregnant to the horrible miscarriage. When I first found out that I was pregnant so many emotions raced through my body all at once. Fear several things: money, is everything going to be ok with the baby, is everything going to work out, am I going to be a good mother, can we going to be able to provide the baby with everything that it needs, and so on. Joy and happiness that my dreams of being a mom are going to come true, the thought of the first time I look at the baby, the first time I would actually get to hold the baby, the first time I would feel it kick, the aroma that every baby has, and the tingle in my heart that I was going to have a gift from God. And have to say that I was nervous about pretty much everything. BUT I knew that God was going to be on our side and provide us with every little thing that we would need.

Man did I love to look at the baby stuff; I think that I had to go by that section of the store every time. It just made my heart fill with happiness as the words “awwww” came out of our mouths a number of times. We were just trying to plan everything out and figure out what we wanted.

Everyone was so excited which really comforted me to know and just made things complete. I can remember every little moment so clearly… from everyone’s reactions all the way to the smallest things that you wouldn’t think that you would remember. ~Sigh~ everything was great!

Sunday was just another day really… That was the day that pretty much marked that 7 week mark. Nothing that was really abnormal with me, just the normal symptoms. We were just kind of relaxing before I headed off to work. That’s when my worst nightmare happened. Have to say that this was the biggest fear that was lingering in the back of my head the whole time. I prayed to myself that it wasn’t what I thought as we raced to the hospital. It felt like we waited forever for someone to come and tell us that everything was just fine and that I was just over reacting. David was trying to keep me calm the whole time when finally someone came to tell me that I was freaking out for no reason. BUT that’s not the news that they had for me…. I couldn’t tell if I had a slow reaction or if it was like everything slowed down around me. It was almost like I was watching myself through a mirror or something. I tried to keep myself together and be strong so I wouldn’t cry in front of these people I didn’t know. Just when I thought I had it all together… that’s when it was like I had no control of anything. It was like I had this numb, but tingling feeling run right through my body. The tears streamed down as I tried to search for David. It was no nightmare; it was reality that hit me… the cold, died truth! Everyone person that walked in from my family grabbed me, holding me in their arms with tears rolling from their faces as well. The sad thing was it was as if I died myself… inside. As I waited and waited some more until I could actually leave that place I felt myself drift away, staring off into space… as if I were a zombie or something.

It took me a little bit to actually face some things… I’m still work on some. I try to keep myself busy so I don’t drift into that death like zombie mode… if not keep myself busy I at least try to keep my thoughts empty. I think I’m doing better! But I do still have times when I think of everything, or when something sets me off. I just need to find things to help me cope with everything. We have come up with few ideas that we think might help. It will take time…. That’s the sad part though! And what makes things worse it some people just don’t understand the pain that we are going through and think that it’s not as big of a deal as we are making it, but they haven’t had to go through with this hurt. I really hope that they never have to! BUT everybody isn’t that heartless like that and I thank God for that! I thank everyone for their support in every way (the prayers, cards, kind words,… everything) THANK YOU!

Have to say that I can’t sleep…. All I can think about right now is a beautiful baby in heaven that’s probably looking down right now and saying “Mommy, don’t cry… I’m fine. God is taking care of me until you get here”. I can’t wait until I go to heaven and actually get to hold my baby, kiss my baby, and give it the love that I wasn’t able to give it now.

Don’t worry Gab… mommy and daddy will never forget you! You will always be in our hearts!!!!