One Lost Baby, One Angel Found

One Lost Baby, One Angel Found

Everything happened so fast… from the time I found out about being pregnant to the horrible miscarriage. When I first found out that I was pregnant so many emotions raced through my body all at once. Fear several things: money, is everything going to be ok with the baby, is everything going to work out, am I going to be a good mother, can we going to be able to provide the baby with everything that it needs, and so on. Joy and happiness that my dreams of being a mom are going to come true, the thought of the first time I look at the baby, the first time I would actually get to hold the baby, the first time I would feel it kick, the aroma that every baby has, and the tingle in my heart that I was going to have a gift from God. And have to say that I was nervous about pretty much everything. BUT I knew that God was going to be on our side and provide us with every little thing that we would need.

Man did I love to look at the baby stuff; I think that I had to go by that section of the store every time. It just made my heart fill with happiness as the words “awwww” came out of our mouths a number of times. We were just trying to plan everything out and figure out what we wanted.

Everyone was so excited which really comforted me to know and just made things complete. I can remember every little moment so clearly… from everyone’s reactions all the way to the smallest things that you wouldn’t think that you would remember. ~Sigh~ everything was great!

Sunday was just another day really… That was the day that pretty much marked that 7 week mark. Nothing that was really abnormal with me, just the normal symptoms. We were just kind of relaxing before I headed off to work. That’s when my worst nightmare happened. Have to say that this was the biggest fear that was lingering in the back of my head the whole time. I prayed to myself that it wasn’t what I thought as we raced to the hospital. It felt like we waited forever for someone to come and tell us that everything was just fine and that I was just over reacting. David was trying to keep me calm the whole time when finally someone came to tell me that I was freaking out for no reason. BUT that’s not the news that they had for me…. I couldn’t tell if I had a slow reaction or if it was like everything slowed down around me. It was almost like I was watching myself through a mirror or something. I tried to keep myself together and be strong so I wouldn’t cry in front of these people I didn’t know. Just when I thought I had it all together… that’s when it was like I had no control of anything. It was like I had this numb, but tingling feeling run right through my body. The tears streamed down as I tried to search for David. It was no nightmare; it was reality that hit me… the cold, died truth! Everyone person that walked in from my family grabbed me, holding me in their arms with tears rolling from their faces as well. The sad thing was it was as if I died myself… inside. As I waited and waited some more until I could actually leave that place I felt myself drift away, staring off into space… as if I were a zombie or something.

It took me a little bit to actually face some things… I’m still work on some. I try to keep myself busy so I don’t drift into that death like zombie mode… if not keep myself busy I at least try to keep my thoughts empty. I think I’m doing better! But I do still have times when I think of everything, or when something sets me off. I just need to find things to help me cope with everything. We have come up with few ideas that we think might help. It will take time…. That’s the sad part though! And what makes things worse it some people just don’t understand the pain that we are going through and think that it’s not as big of a deal as we are making it, but they haven’t had to go through with this hurt. I really hope that they never have to! BUT everybody isn’t that heartless like that and I thank God for that! I thank everyone for their support in every way (the prayers, cards, kind words,… everything) THANK YOU!

Have to say that I can’t sleep…. All I can think about right now is a beautiful baby in heaven that’s probably looking down right now and saying “Mommy, don’t cry… I’m fine. God is taking care of me until you get here”. I can’t wait until I go to heaven and actually get to hold my baby, kiss my baby, and give it the love that I wasn’t able to give it now.

Don’t worry Gab… mommy and daddy will never forget you! You will always be in our hearts!!!!

Change

a little ramble that I had to get out about change....

Change is right there in front of our eyes… we can accept, run away and hide, or try to change it back. Some actually spend a long time trying to put things back the way that they were. Others freak and the only thing that they can think to fix it is either ignore it or flee from what might look somewhat challenging. Then you have the people that suck it up and just accept it try to go with what they have. Not too many people like change… sometime I don’t really like it myself. But I think what helps me “go with the flow” is the fact that I know that God has a plan and that the change that I may not like is for a reason. I never said that change was easy… the true is that it’s hard and to just say that “oh, he’s got it” like it’s no big deal ….it’s really hard I know.
You know I look at my life and the people in it and so much is different. I’m kind of wait for the time to come where what friends I had 5 years ago won’t remember me… and I don’t like that. It freaks me out that I’m not going to find friends and be able to move on like everyone around me. Then I think how much I have changed…. Have I really changed that much, am I a different person, am I a better person,…. I would like to think that I changed for the better, but to some I may have changed so much that “ I’m not the same person I used to be”… but is that really a bad thing… to them may be.
I really don’t think that I want to be stuck in the past…. I would like to be able to put my head up and move straight head. I do know that thing will get better, I do know that things will always change, and I do know that the people that you love and that love you will always be there for in the end right there next to you. I have to say without David that I wouldn’t be where I am today. I thank God everyday for him and hold him as close as I can… because I know that God gave me him to the strength that I need to get through life….. I also know that I am not alone especially when I have God and friends by my side! It makes me wonder why we would want to go back to the old or run away from the change when in the end you get something great. So even when things look like God has no plan for what is going on.... Just keep holding on because he won’t let you fall while he’s around.

Sooooo…. I just felt like doing 10 random stuff.

1. Me and my Hubby Booo just our own place together! It’s small, but perfect for us. I love it!

2. I’m going to be starting at a new school here soon and I have to admit I’m kind of freaked out. Not go with new environments and crap like that…. And the fact that I’m shy does not help a thing.

3. I’m going to go see my bestie that just moved to Kansas this weekend and I’m really excited. I feel like I haven’t seen her for like 2 years and she just left. Her and her husband just got their own place too… so that makes things more exciting because I get to be the first of her peeps to see her new place.

4. I hardly see my friends because everyone has different schedules, live in different places, work like crazy, go to school and work the butt off and work, have husbands or boyfriends that they are really close to….. And so on! So when we actually do get to see each other or talk for that matter it’s a big thing. I really hope that even though things may change that we will always stay friends!

5. I’m waiting for our other car to be fix… and hoping that it will be done in time for me to go to school or else things will be hard since my school is in Springfield and his work is in Springfield…. Yeah that may sound fine, but when the schedules are the complete opposite that makes things a little challenging!

6. I’m not a big reader and when I read that is a big thing. Lol. I don’t really read fast I just read at my own pace… and the sucky part is I was wanting to finish new moon before I started my classes and things got crazy with school. Not too sure if that’s going to happen. I also wanted to finish it to before the movie came out that I’m freaking excited for!!!!! So can’t wait!

7. Oddly enough I’m kind of running out of random crap to say and possibly bore some. Lol. Oh how about this I’m making pot roast for the first time in my new place all by myself. I hope it turns out ok….. I love pot roast!

8. I think my allergy are acting up because my left eyes hurts and is swollen…. I can figure out how to help it…. All I know is I hope it allergies because that’s the kind of meds I’m taking. Lol

9. I’m probably going to take a nap and see if that helps my eye… then I have to clean and then do a few things before I go to work I hope I get everything done.

10. All in all right now life isn’t that bad right now…. The road may be a little bumpy and I made fall and be my clumsy self at times, but I think… I now I’ll make it as long as I have God on my side!

25 random things about me!!!!

1. I’m taking 19 credit hours this semester (total of 6 classes)
2. I have to take 2 classes this summer and I graduate from LLCC. (pretty excited)
3. I feel like I haven’t slept for along time with my schedule with work, school, and homework.
4. Will be married for 7 months February 4.
5. You can officially call me Mrs. Roxanne Warner because I found time to go change my name on my Social Security card.
6. I'm short... get over it. Sometimes i love it and sometimes I hate it.
7. I’ve been worried about one of my friend lately and totally thought she was dead. But she’s not! That’s good.
8. I have to somehow fit 4 hours of community service at 3 different places in my schedule…. Don’t know how, where, or when yet.
9. I love children… they fascinate me.
10. But I want to be a child psychology more than anything…. Or a counselor for kids.
11. I plan on transferring to UIS this fall. (I also hope I get accepted. Not like my grades are horrible….I tend to think negatively when it comes to myself)
12. I’m upset because I hardly get to see David with the craziness of my schedule!!!!! =(
13. My favorite color is PURPLE if you haven't noticed.
14. I hardly get to see any of my friends because we all have completely different schedules!
15. I love fun forwards! (text messages that is)
16. I have a buddy at the daycare and she always has to run up to me and give me a hug when she sees me!
17. I love to receive text messages, mail, email, comments, messages.....
18. You could probably say that I’m easily distracted!!!!
19. I’m clumsy…. I can trip and fall over anything… that includes nothing. Lol
20. People tell me that they like my laugh because they say it makes them smile!
21. I love to go shopping!!! Sometimes it’s hard for me to find shirt that fit right…. Not explaining why if you know me you can pretty much figure it out.
22. I like shoes too!!!
23. Bright colors catch my attention!
24. People call me cute for some reason.... i really don't know why.
25. I'm not normal.... I don't really believe in that term.lol